a counterfit Christian

I guess I have a bit on my heart that I'd like to share.  I don't really have much reason for doing so other than I know that you are all out there praying and that many of you have walked roads of faithfulness and obedience far longer than I have so maybe you can offer me a bit of your God-given wisdom. 

I don't even really know where to begin.  My whole life -- well I guess since Jesus came into my life -- I've been trying to figure out this whole faith thing.  Yes, I know that there are many of us out there who are trying to figure out what it means to follow Jesus, but even then, I've often felt like our "quests" to understand Christ are only half hearted and that, deep down, we're ok with the warm-fuzzies of Jesus but we don't really want to know the truth of what His life calls us to.

Since I've been here I've been doing a lot of reading.  Both of the books that I've read have been amazing stories of people who would willingly spill their blood for the sake of Jesus.  People who have been imprisoned, beaten, publicly humiliated, pulled from their families, and stripped of everything they own because they have decided to embrace their identity in Heaven rather than their false identity on Earth.  Compared to them, I have so much work to do.  I know we live our lives, especially our faiths, as a comparison but when I look at how I live, there is little risk involved.  Sure, I came to Africa but since I've been here, I've still been fighting the same doubts and fears:  What will she think of me if I start talking about Jesus?  Yes God, you told me to pray with that man, but that's so weird.  He'll probably just laugh or blow me off.  God, can you really protect and heal me if I choose to rely on you instead of medicine and doctors?  The thoughts I struggle with sitting on my couch in front of the TV are the same exact thoughts I struggle with in Africa.

Above all else, I fear that if I, if we, don't choose to take up our crosses and follow Christ, we'll have to spend the rest of eternity outside of His presence.  I've read so many books and heard so many stories about radical people living out their lives for Christ but I've met and talked with so few that it's hard to know what it actually looks like.  All my life I've thought that it was a simple "Yes Jesus I want you in my heart" prayer that got you into heaven but I fear that it's much much more than that.  I'm afraid that we've been roped into the Christianity-makes-your-life-easier lie and that, with little honest knowledge of the Word, we'll never get ourselves out.  I know Christians are not meant to live in fear but this is not a fear of the world, it's a fear of eternal damnation.

I know this all may seem a bit rough but it's what has been on my heart for a long long time.  I say all this knowing that I have not a clue what I'm doing in this life and knowing that I'm a sinner just like everyone else.  I don't have any answers and I would never claim to.  All I want is more of Jesus.  He's given me everything and more in this life and I can't imagine what it would be like to spend the rest of eternity without Him.

This morning I tried sharing the Gospel with Francesca and it completely failed.  I got nervous and jumbled and I the whole time I was thinking,"This girl has already told me she's an atheist.  She's probably just going to think I'm another one of those religious freaks who just wants to Jesus-ize her."  And to be quite honest, that's pretty much exactly what I was doing.  If only we lived the way we were called to live, maybe others would know it's not about going to Church and attending Bible studies but having a living, breathing relationship with Jesus Christ and the Creator of the universe who loves us with a never ending, unfailing love.  I just wish everyone knew Jesus.

Anywho...enough of my ranting.  If you have any advice to help a Jesus lover navigate through our false lies of our cultural Christianity and find a way to truly surrender it all, no matter the cost, please let me know. :)

As usual, it's a bit late so I don't have much time to type.  The internet here is extremely slow so I never have a way of knowing where I left off but hopefully I'll be close. :)  Here are a few tid bits from each day.

Wednesday
One of my favorite things to do since I've been here is bathe the kids.  The five little ones are all too young to take baths on their own so we fill up a bin with water and each volunteer bathes the kids they're responsible for looking after.  I think part of why I love bathing them so much is b/c it makes me feel like I'm actually their mom.  We bath them, dry them, and get them dressed usually about three times a day b/c of the dirt and dust and I always look forward to it.  Plus they're so stinkin cute when they're smiling and splashing in the water. :)

For Bible Study that night I decided I'd try teaching them Trading My Sorrows and to my surprise when I started singing, they already knew the song but with an African twist.  After singing the chorus, they just sang "na na na" with a melody and danced and jumped around in the joy of the Lord.  It was really cool. :)

Thursday
Today we (the volunteers) decided we would take a taxi ride into Kampala and spent the afternoon walking through the markets.  The city itself is not what I was expecting at all.  The streets wove all around with no rhyme or reason and they were all packed with people shouting and cars honking and employees and shop owners walking too and from carrying massive boxes on their heads or rearranging things in their shops.  The pollution was so thick that I could hardly breath through my nose when I got back.  It was an interesting experience that showed me two things: 1) I really have a heart for the countryside and for nature.  Being in the city was far too crowded and way too chaotic and my heart always feels at home in the quiet of nature.  2)  I have really fallen in love with these kids.  While the day was fun and it was nice to get away, by then end of the day I was really sad and almost started crying while I was sitting outside one of the shops b/c I wanted to get back to the kids.

Friday
Today was a very difficult experience.  From July to September each year, Ruth goes on dozens of home visits to see the families of children who are receiving some form of assistance from Another Hope.  Today we went to visit the families of two children who are living at Another Hope and two children who had been transitioned back to living with their families.  The two most eye opening were the visits to Kakande and Sandra's families who lived in the far west side of Uganda in the most remote district in the country.  I think what made it so difficult for me was that along the way, Ruth kept pointing out schools and homes, telling me I would come back and teach here or live there so as we were driving past homes and visiting with these families, I tried to imagine what it would be like to live like them.  My life would most likely consist of a one room mud home with no running water or electricity, traveling to fetch my water, planting and harvesting my own food that would be cooked on a wood fire, and making $50 a month in a school I would have to walk for who knows how long to reach.  I can't even imagine.  The people we met were so genuine and full of so much joy even though they had literally nothing.  The whole experience really challenged what I'm willing to risk to help even one other person and allowing myself to see that any risk is worth it.

Saturday
Saturday was quite different from the day before as we were able to spend the day in Jinja, on the far east side of the country, at the source of the Nile River and a the falls that were a bit further down the river (unfortunately I can't remember their name).  It was so wonderful to spend the day with the volunteers as well as Ruth, Daniel, and their driver, Jude and to do something that was just fun.  We were able to take a boat ride to the source of the Nile as well as a boat ride to some of the larger falls at our second stop.  The whole day was an a once in a lifetime opportunity filled with laughter, smiles, and wonderful food and I really really enjoyed it.


Sunday
The three of us volunteers had been talking for a few days about a way to do something fun for the kids and after a bit of discussion Sunday morning, we decided to go to the supermarket to buy some some simple food to make for the kids as a treat.  After a bit of an adventure navigating our multiple taxi stops, we were able to buy our supplies and come back and make our treats of popcorn with butter (which is apparently a uniquely American thing to do) and yogurt fruit salad.  I also bought some supplies to make smores (which are going to be really interesting) but the power went out so we ran out of light.  We also celebrated Hajara's birthday as we were unable to do so on our school visits the week before which was really fun.

Monday
Today was supposed to be a normal day after so many days of travel but with an unexpected change in plans, I accompanied Judith to the hospital to help baby Amy get immunizations and bring Sandra in for a check up b/c she had a high fever.  The hospital was a bit crazy with tons of people going every which way and no real rhyme or reason for taking people in and sending people out but fortunately there is a doctor at the hospital who is partnered with Another Hope who was able to help us and speed up the process.  Baby Amy was fine but Sandra ended up having 3+ Malaria which is quite severe.  The doctor told us she needed to be admitted to pediatrics and she is still there now so please, please, please keep her in your prayers.

I also wanted to mention that I awoke this morning to a cockroach crawling through my hair that then scurried up the inside of my mosquito net and stayed there until we chased it out of our room.  Needless to say we bug sprayed the poop out of our room.

Well that about does it.  It's nearly 11 which is faaaar to late to be up (I think Africa's turning me into an old lady :) ).  I wanted to give a special thanks to Caitlin Closs, Emily Montgomery, and Jonathan Morley for your wonderful letters that I received today.  They brought me so much joy and encouragement and it was really good to hear from you all.

Exactly one week from this very hour I will be leaving Another Hope for the airport.  It's crazy to think about and I'm totally not ready for it yet.  Again, thank you for your prayers and for taking the time to ready my ridiculously long posts.  I love you all and I hope that you might find some way to surrender to Christ this week.

God bless!